


watch the world burn

by beautifullytragic



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: 4x16, Angst, F/M, Suits Prompts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-19 03:14:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29619723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautifullytragic/pseuds/beautifullytragic
Summary: 4x16. From the prompt, "After Donna dropped the "love me how" bomb and then told Harvey she was leaving him, she also told him, "Last night, I tried to imagine myself without you. The thing is, I could. And I felt so much better." (Of course – the last line is a lie)
Relationships: Donna Paulsen/Harvey Specter
Kudos: 8





	watch the world burn

**Author's Note:**

> PROMPT: After Donna dropped the "love me how" bomb and then told Harvey she was leaving him, she also told him, "Last night, I tried to imagine myself without you. The thing is, I could. And I felt so much better." (Of course – the last line is a lie)
> 
> I saw this prompt from @SuitsPrompts and thought I'd give it a whirl so I hope you all like it!
> 
> As always, any feedback is so greatly appreciated!

I refuse to wait for you like this-  
with the same anticipation that  
a sailor waits for a storm to hit,  
with the same longing that  
thunder chases lightning with  
\- Sian Wilmot. @srwpoetry

Today had been one of the longest days.

Even before she had opened her eyes this morning, this wave of nausea had settled in the pit of her stomach, at just the thought of having to go into work and sit all day outside his office.

_You know I love you, Donna_

Begrudgingly she had forced herself to get ready, and made it to her desk, only considering calling in sick four times on the way there. Seeing Louis' note, she had felt a momentary relief, thinking her day would be so much better than she'd anticipated if she could spend it helping him look for whatever the newest brand of cat scratching post was out, or what her opinion of the new cast of Streetcar Named Desire was.

But Norma had died. And she had flung herself into making sure that Norma's wishes had been carried out to the letter, all while trying to keep Louis from falling apart. She was organised everything, right down to the office-held memorial they had for Norma. Donna had made sure to pass around a memo to everyone invited to make sure they had a change of black clothes to change into.

Finally having heard Harvey was in his office and looking for her, she went to see him, the swirling feeling in her stomach growing bigger as she approached his desk. It had been driving her crazy all day, through all the planning and the reassurances she could still see his face from the night before.

_You know I love you, Donna_

She was so tired. Pissed off, angry, upset, but most of all tired. It had been such a _long time_ for her and Harvey. It had been years of jokes, and coffee, and lingering looks through the glass wall of his office. that weren't just one-sided. She was so tired of feeling as though she was tied to him, and not even because it was something she had never considered – being with him. She had wanted it years ago, and it had lay dormant in her mind, growing wings until it had started flapping around in her brain until she couldn't ignore it anymore. This thing that had feeding on the two of them, on the feelings that she had really tried to push down and it just wasn't enough anymore.

_I did that because I wanted you to feel better_

She was going to throw up. Was he fucking _kidding_.

All this time, all those nights she had lain in bed alone, wondering if he ever thought of her the way she thought of him, late at night in the dark, the one thing that made her lose her breath was the thought of him not loving her back. Rejection, she could handle, even from him. You don't try and start a career in performing for people if you can't take rejection. But pity?

Harvey pitying her had never even crossed her mind. It was so much worse than rejection. It made her feel as though her entire world had begun to spin and she was lost, struggling to find a handle to hold on to. The fact that he clearly thought he knew, without even asking, what her feelings were towards him, and to use _I love you_ as a tool, was something that she couldn't bear.

The entire way through Norma's wake she tried so hard to train her eyes forward. Her heart thumping in her chest as Louis said his piece. A piece about telling people how you felt while you still could. Poignant, she thought. She could feel his eyes on her, and she willed herself not to meet them. It wasn't them anymore. Telling someone you loved them because purely they were upset, or lonely or _whatever_ his reasoning was – and then trying to offer a silent apology through the memory of Louis' secretary in a room full of their co-workers was something she was not accepting, not from him, not now. She had reduced herself for so long to accepting the smallest of things from him and blowing them up in her mind. A raised eyebrow. A wink. A look where both their eyes met and she could just always know what she was thinking. It wasn't happening anymore. She needed more from him, she needed actual words, full sentences even. She was tired of not saying things for fear that the world wouldn't burn down when right now, she was already choking on the smoke from the flames.

Working for Louis had presented itself so suddenly and surprisingly that as always, her first reaction was always no. Never. She couldn't. But, sitting at her desk, staring at the screensaver of her computer, she couldn't think of a single reason not to. Well, she could thing of one. But right now, the way she was feeling, whatever it was that seemed to tie her intrinsically to Harvey was beginning to fray. Once the thought had properly unfolded in her brain, it was the only way out for her. She had to get out. She had to get away from him, from this mess. Away from this feeling she had since last night - the feeling she had feeling had for a very long time and had ignored – and it was the only logical thing she could think of.

Her hands shaking, she pushed back from her desk and stood.

_I'm leaving you Harvey_

She knew those exact words were the thing he had specifically built his walls up to protect himself from. She could have said it a simpler way, an easier way. But she was done. The look on his face made her heart almost stop beating in her chest. He murmured her name so low, that she thought it could pierce directly into her chest and crumble away a piece of her heart.

His hands leaned forward to steady himself and she blinked, wanting to say more but also just so tired. There was no need for long conversations anymore that danced around the point and never actually reached a conclusion.

Her eyes began to burn but she wouldn't blink, afraid of them falling.

"Last night, after you left, I tried to imagine myself without you. The thing is, I could. And I felt so much better."

It was a lie. Her voice shook as she said it, but she never tore her eyes away from his.

It felt as though someone had reached into her chest and was using her heart as a voodoo doll.

She had often thought over the years, where her life would have been if she had never met him. If she had never decided that being on her desk was the way to change to direction of her life. She wondered sometimes if she would have made it big, if she would have been a star. In the same thought, she thought about whether without her, he would have made it big. If he had been a star.

But even in the wildest thought about her, and him, and their tiring little game of charades, not once in any of her daydreams of where they could be now apart, was she ever better off not knowing him. He was a part of her, she had felt it from the moment he had pinned her against her front door and kissed her. His fingerprints across her skin had sunk down into the very core of who she was, and as hard as she tried to prise them apart in her being, deep down she knew he had latched on to part of her soul.

_I love you, Harvey_

She hadn't even planned to say it. Any of it. But she wanted for him to see how it felt. To be offered a declaration of love grouped with pain. She should go.

For the flash of a second, he looked as though she had punched him in the stomach and her heart dropped in her chest. Blood hammering in her ears, she turned and walked away, clenching her fists. _Don't look back, don't look back_. Her vision was becoming blurry from her burning eyes, and she blinked and tears that had been threatening to fall started to cascade down her cheeks. _Don't turn back. Don't._ It repeated in her head as she walked as though it had replaced her own heartbeat and she willed herself to listen to it, not to turn around and tell him that it had all been a mistake, an overreaction. That working for Louis wasn't what she wanted at all, what she wanted was for him to wake up and see her. Actually see her the way she wanted him to.

Collecting her coat and bag from the main reception desk, she paused, wiping her face with the back of her hand. Paused to see if he was coming after her at all. Silence.

Shaking her head slightly, she reached forward to press the call button for the elevator. Staring at her blurred reflection in the unopened doors, she tried to calm her breathing down, her heaving chest and closed-mouth sobs making her throat burn.

There was no coming back from this. For whatever she and Harvey had, whatever kind of twisted and exhausting game they'd been playing, it was over. She'd called check-mate. And it was going to be good for them in the long run - it had to be, it just didn't feel like it just yet.


End file.
